BUMPER SNICKERS
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
DON'T STEAL...The government does not like competition.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Department of Redundancy Department
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Iwant to die in my sleep like my grandfather.......not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Learn from your parent's mistakes...use birth control.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's made up.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.
My karma ran over my dogma.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Tme is what keeps things from happening all at once.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot!
(Chuck's #1 fave:)If we aren't supposed to eat animals,how come they're made out of meat?
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Forget about world peace...visualize using your turn signal.
wWarning: dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I smile because I don't know what's going on.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
We are microsoft. resistance is futile. you will be assimilated.
3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie!"...till you can find a rock.
"Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog." -Dorothy
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Eschew obfuscation.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
How do i set my laser printer on stun
