COMPUTER JOKES:
25 interesting things that you learn about computers in the movies...
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some
such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command
shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain
English.
6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply
typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply
typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers,
just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk
drives and monitors.
8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the
villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the
screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen
so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced
ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters
come across the screen.
10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just
underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash,
a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you
backward. See #7, above)
11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving
the data.
12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before
intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit
data at two gigabytes per second.
15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control
panels will explode, as will the entire building.
16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,it
also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup
file-and there are no undelete utilities.
17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for
a password when you try to access it.
18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by
any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all
computer platforms.
19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However,
everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.
20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional,
real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time
video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY- MP.
22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that
it projects itself onto his/her face.
23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans
operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down
users.
25. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can
zoom into any picture as far as you want to. For example: "What's
that fuzzy thing in the corner? I don't know, let's check.
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Candidate for a Pullet Surprise by Jerrold H. Zar:
I have a spelling checker
it came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea
Eye ran this poem threw it
Your sure reel glad two no
Its vary polished in it's weigh
My checker tolled me sew
A checker is a bless sing
It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me right awl stiles two reed
And aides me when aye rime
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule
Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot brig a tier
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of which won should be proud
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud
Sew ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas
And why aye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.
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A FEW CHUCKLES about those who are computer illiterate; enjoy these
excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton:
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key"
to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking
where the "Any" key is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photo copies of the floppies.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
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(The following addiction test may need translation for those of you
who are, shall we say "computer-lingo challenged" or if when
you are asked, "Who is your internet provider?" You respond
with, "I have a 50 hour demo disk from AOL".)
YOU KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET WHEN:
1) You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
2) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
3) Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
4) You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
5) You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
6) You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
7) You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
8) All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
9) And even your night dreams are in HTML.
10) You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.
11) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
13) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
14) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
15) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
16) All of your friends have an @ in their names.
17) When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
18) Your dog has its own home page.
19) You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
20) You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
21) You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
22) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
23) You refer to your age as 3.x.
24) You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
25) Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
26) Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel.
27) You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
28) You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
29) Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
30) You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.
31) You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public rest rooms.
32) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
33) You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
34) You actually just now tried that 123.elm.street address.
35) You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
36) Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel.
37) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
38) Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
39) You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
40) You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."
41) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
42) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
43) You forget what year it is.
44) You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
45) You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
46) You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".
47) You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
48) You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
49) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
50) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
51) You name your first daughter "Dotcom".
52) You get up during the night to go to the bathroom, but stop on the way to read your e-mail.
53) Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
54) You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
55) At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain
server."
56) You ask a friend, "What's that big shiny thing?" He says,
"It's the sun."
57) You log-off your system because it's time to go to work.
58) Your wife calls you to dinner by posting to alt.food.
59) You come to work on your day off because you don't have a computer
at home
