RELIGIOUS JOKES:
When the family returned from Sunday morning service, father criticized
the sermon, daughter thought the choir's singing was atrocious, and
mother found fault with the organist's playing.
The small boy of the family piped up, "But it was a good show for
a quarter, don't you think, Dad?"
A pastor always used the phrase, "It might be worse," when
some calamity would come his way. One day a friend said to him, "I've
something to tell you, and you won't be able to use your favorite phrase.
I dreamt last night that I died and went to hell."
"It might be worse," said the preacher. "Man alive, how
could it be worse?"
"It might be true."
A MODERN NOAH'S ARK
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going
to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all
the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people,
and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you
to build Me an Ark", said the Lord. And in a flash of lightning
He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd
better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to
fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.
And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where
is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah,
for emphasis.
"Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best.
But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for
the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet Code. So I
had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight
over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors
objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front
yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because
there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince
U.S. Fish & Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the Owls. But
they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls.
Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before
anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going
on the boat, and still no owls. "Then I started gathering up the
animals, and got sued by the animal rights group. They objected to me
taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA
notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental
impact statement on your proposed Flood. They didn't take kindly to
the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme
Being. The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new
flood plan. I sent them a globe.
"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commisssion over how many Crotians I'm supposed
to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid
paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the
state about owing some kind of use tax. "I really don't think I
can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across
the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going
to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe
has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something
far worse than a Flood.. Something Man invented himself."
"What's that?" asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then
the Lord spaketh his Last Word....
"Government."
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Joke of the week from Today's Christian Woman's Small Talk, May/June
1996
My four-year-old granddaughter, Amanda, went to the doctor's office
with a fever. The doctor looked in her ears and said, "Who's in
there? Donald Duck?" She said, "No." He looked in her
nose and said, "Who's in there? Mickey Mouse?" Again she said,
"No." He put his stethoscope on her heart and said, "Who's
in there? Barney?" Amanda replied, "No, Jesus is in my heart.
Barney is on my underwear."
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I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the
edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop!
Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of
the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed
Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of
1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently
it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first
one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been
asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.
So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my
wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch
her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony,
and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors
above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and
kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally
I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering
on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let
go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned
but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed
the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing
him instantly. But, all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a
heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and
let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day.
You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every
morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must
have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky,
and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew
I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto
the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating
on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the
apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally
I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below,
stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay,
this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible
death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process
was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his
story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding
inside this refrigerator.........
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A man was involved in a fatal automobile accident and found himself
standing in front of the pearly gates. St. Peter greeted him, and said,
"In order to get into heaven, you have to spell a word." "Okay,"
replied the man, "what's the word?" "You have to spell
the word love," replied St Peter. "Why that's easy, the man
responded, l-o-v-e."
"Welcome," said St Peter, "you may enter, but first would
you do me a favor. I have to do an errand, and I will only be gone a
very short time. Would you please take my post here until I return.
Whenever someone comes here, do the same thing I did with you. Ask them
to spell the word love. If they are able to do that, welcome them to
heaven. If they are unable, send them to the other place."
The man was at the gate for about ten minutes when his wife greeted
him. "Why are you here?" he asked. "Well," she replied,
"when news of your accident reached me, I had a heart attack and
died immediately."
"But why are you standing here by this gate," she asked him.
"I'm substituting for St. Peter for a little while until he completes
an errand," he said, "and I have to ask each person to spell
a word in order to enter this place."
"What's the word?" she inquired. He responded: "Czechoslovakia."
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Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said "Ya know, since summer started Ive been having trouble
with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise,
spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry
and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated and they
won't go away.
The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the
church... Haven't seen one back since" !!!
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If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is "God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is,
"Probably because of something you did."
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"What was your sermon on this week?" one preacher asked his
friend.
"I preached on the rich man's responsibility to give to the poor,"
the other answered.
"How'd it go?"
"Well," he sighed, "I know I convinced the poor."
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A pastor had noticed that one of the elderly women hadn't been to any
service for a week. She was real faithful, and wouldn't miss a service
for anything, so he got concerned. He visited her house one evening,
and knocked on the door. He heard the pitter patter of feet in the house,
but no one answered. He left his business card on the door, but had
written on the back of it "Rev. 3:20", as a message to her.
The following Sunday he was pleased to see this woman back in church.
He told her that he had been concerned because no one answered the door
the other night when he was there. She didn't say a word, but handed
him back his card. He noticed that the "Rev. 3:20" was crossed
out. But she had left a message for him on the back.
It read "Genesis 3:10".
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A man walked into the office of a local church. He walked up to the
receptionist, and in a loud voice demanded: "Take me to see the
head hog".
The receptionist replied indignantly: "Sir, I'll thank you not
to refer to our pastor in such a way. Around here, we address our ministers
with respect".
The man replied, "Well I've come to donate 5 million dollars to
the church".
"Excuse me sir", the receptionist replied, "Let me see
if I can find the big fat pig for you."
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There was a man trying to understand God, so he asked Him, "God,
how long is a million years to you?"
God answered, "A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
God replied, "A million dollars is like a penny."
The man thought for a short time and asked, "God, will you give
me a penny?"
"In a minute," God responded.
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Abraham was trying to load WINDOWS 95 onto his old 286 computer. Isaac
said: "But Dad, you don't have enough memory." Abraham said:
"Be patient my son, God will provide the RAM."
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Top 10 Statements Ministers Would Love to Hear . . .
10. Hey, it's my turn to sit in the front pew!
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed the sermon went overtime 20 minutes.
8. Personally, I find witnessing more enjoyable than golfing.
7. Preacher, I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to the televangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the one you always call when there aren't enough child-care workers.
5. Forget about the guidelines. Let's step out on faith and just do it!
4. I love it when we sing hymns we've never heard.
3. Since we're all here, let's start the meeting early.
2. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like the annual Stewardship emphasis.
1. Preacher, we'd like to send you to that Bible Cruise in the Bahamas.
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TOP TEN THINGS PEOPLE WON'T SAY WHEN THEY SEE YOUR CHRISTIAN BUMPER
STICKER OR MORE SUBTLE FISH SYMBOL ON YOUR CAR:
10. "Look! Let's stop that car and ask those folks how we can become Christians."
9. "Don't worry Billy, those people are Christians -- they must have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour."
8. "What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of Spirit-filled brothers and sisters."
7. "Isn't it wonderful how God blessed that Christian couple with a brand-new BMW?"
6. "Dad, how come people who drive like that don't get thrown
in jail?"
"Son, that driver is a Christian and God probably protects him
from getting arrested."
"Dad, can we get a bumper sticker like that too?"
5. "Stay clear of those folks Martha. If they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road!"
4. "Oh look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer."
3. "No, that's not litter coming out of their windows Bert, it's probably gospel tracks for the road workers."
2. "Oh boy, we're in trouble now! We just rear-ended one of God's cars."
1. "Quick Alice, honk the horn or they won't know that we love Jesus!"
